Sorry i haven't blogged in a while... I've been out of work since 7/13/2010.
My Panic attacks have gotten so bad because of the new commute and the horrid traffic I sat in everyday, that the Dr. forced me onto disability. Which is all well and good because my health is of the utmost importance, but financially i'm taking a beating.
Though the commute was expensive, not having income is even MORE expensive, and as i sit here writing this i can't fathom going back to that commute, yet, i can't afford not to. What a conundrum i have here.
During my days i have to fill it with tasks and such, just as the Dr. ordered, because he wants to decipher if it is in fact the commute or something else triggering these attacks. So I'm BUSY, busy with housework (whether it really needs it or not), projects around the house, errands, basically housewife stuff, minus the kids.
I decided prior to the disability thrust, that i am going to become a Certified Personal Trainer or CPT, so i study in my down time. I want to finish and become certified around Labor Day. It's a very aggressive goal, but i don't like to fail so i will do my very best to see to it that i achieve that goal.
Having an anxiety disorder is no joke. Anyone that has gone through it, or goes through it knows just how debilitating it is. I find myself watching shows like "Obsessed" and "Hoarders' because they are both anxiety disorders and i can relate, and i also learn a lot from the therapy they go through. It helps me recognize some of the things i unknowingly do, and also how to survive through an attack. They have a major difference because the therapists on the show are there to help them, when i get my attacks I'm usually alone, and that further complicates matters. I wish one of those therapists could sit in traffic with me to see what happens and to help me through it because i hate living this way. I want to be normal again, like i was prior to 2003, when i was able to go anywhere and do anything and not freak out for NO REASON AT ALL. I could sit on a train, or in hours of traffic, or on a plane, in a crowded bar, a loud party, things i can no longer do without some degree of an anxiety attack happening.
My escape prior to the wedding was working out, i must confess that i barely do that anymore because of the lack of workout space and privacy. My husband and i are in the process of having our garage converted into a gym. Not a full-on GYM, just a space that i can put all my stuff and workout to my favorite programs like P90X, and i REALLY want to get going with TurboFire. The exercise i now do consists of Yoga, walking, and heavy yard work; like today i was unearthing and moving heavy rocks.. not throwing rocks.. stepping rocks, but smaller than boulders.. got a good arm, and leg workout from that for over an hour, and i pulled tons of weeds, got bitten by a spider (brown recluse no less), but it was something that had to be done because of a water drainage problem in the garage area. Problem is fixed and now we are waiting on a window replacement and then i will seal the floor and get started.
I give props to my husband because I'm sure it's not easy to deal with me being home 24/7. So he went out with our friends on a boating excursion, something i am not fond of, so i told him to go without me. Hope he's having a good time! lol
